How Influence Works in Relationships

In moments of desperation, resentment, or emotional chaos, many of us resort to force, emotionally, verbally, or relationally, hoping to create change. But true influence in a relationship, especially in a struggling marriage or a tense parent-child dynamic, doesn’t come from force. It comes from presence, patience, consistency, and a kind of emotional stillness.

Consider the Following:

There are Two Kinds of Fly Fishermen

Imagine two fishermen standing in the same river, hoping to catch the same kind of fish.

1. Fisherman One is calm, grounded, and centered. He understands the nature of the fish. He knows that catching one requires more than gear and bait — it requires atmosphere. He gently casts his fly line out, watches it float downstream, and stands peacefully in the river. He trusts that, in time, the fish will come to him. He enjoys the process: the sound of the water, the feel of the breeze, the beauty of the scenery. His spirit is at rest.

2. Fisherman Two, up the river, has all the same gear. But he’s yelling at the fish, stomping around, trying to splash water behind them to scare them into the direction of his hook. He’s impatient. Frustrated. Demanding. He doesn’t enjoy the scenery. He doesn’t notice the beauty. All he knows is the fish won’t come to him, and he’s getting angrier by the second.

Which one are you?

Why the First Fisherman Wins

The first fisherman wins, not because he’s smarter, more righteous, or more justified, but because he’s peaceful. He’s present. He’s not trying to force influence; he’s becoming influence. He’s creating an environment where the fish feel safe enough to come close.

That’s the whole point.

In your home, in your marriage, with your kids, you are not going to influence anyone by chasing them down, yelling, or trying to control the outcome.

Instead, you create a space where they want to come close—a space of love, consistency, predictability, and calm strength.

The Emotional Reality of It

When you try to force change by lecturing, yelling, sulking, or withdrawing, you’re like trying to splash the fish into your net. All it does is scatter them. But when you’re peaceful, when you hold your spirit steady, when you love unconditionally and practice emotional leadership, even the most difficult people begin to draw near.

You influence them by being someone worth being influenced by.

 “If you are an angry fisherman, you’re not going to catch many fish unless you’ve got a giant net and you’re trolling, but that’s not sustainable or reasonable in flyfishing. The real influence comes from patience, presence, and creating the right atmosphere.”

How It Applies to Your Family

Right now, if you're the second fisherman, you are trying to "catch" change in your wife, your kids, even your household dynamics by demanding, justifying, and sometimes withdrawing. But that approach only creates fear, avoidance, and more chaos.

Instead, here’s the new approach:

• When your son or daughter lashes out, don’t react in anger. Stay calm, speak love, and walk away with dignity.

• When your wife makes a snide or sarcastic remark, don’t retaliate. Gently say, “That hurt. I love you. We’ll get through this.”

• When the room is heavy with resentment, you bring the peace, like a man standing in a stream, gently casting the line.

This is about emotional leadership, not control.

Why This Works

People change in safety. Kids open up in consistency. Wives soften when they feel secure, not when they feel judged. And your own resentment begins to melt not when they behave better, but when you find joy and peace within yourself.

This isn’t weakness. It’s strength under control.

You want to be the rock of your family? Then be the first fisherman. Let gentleness is your untapped superpower.

Most likely, you’ve been taught to survive, to fight, to earn love, to fix things. But no one ever taught you how to be still and influence. If you can embrace this, you’ll become someone your family wants to follow, not because they have to, but because your presence makes them feel safe.

Challenge yourself to be that peaceful fisherman for 100 days in a row, and then do it again. Someday, you will wake up surrounded by love, connection, and influence—not because you forced it, but because you finally stopped chasing it.